Dear Old Dad Part Three by Richard Sale

http://turcopolier.typepad.com/the_athenaeum/2015/05/dear-old-dad-part-3-.html

pl

Comments

[Nakib Ahmed]

Dear Richard,

Some of the experiences that you describe are heavy and a bit jedding to me. How did it impact your adult life? When were you able to let go the extra baggage? Thanks for being authentic in your details.

Cheers, Nakib

[Richard Sale]

I will never get over the sorrow of not being accepted or admired by my father and mother. but I took away lessons from it. I have three very gifted children and I don't repeat my parent's mistakes. I allow them the freedom to be what they are or what they think they are. I do not meddle, and I am full of joy at their accomplishments and there is no jealousy between us. They deserved to be admire, and I admire them.

As a parent, the key for me was to inculcate the conviction that they would succeed, they had the constituioanl make up that wound enable success. And I told them that would succeed as long as they never left anything undone in their pursuit of the good and admirable.

I don't compete with them. It is not my job to try and overshadow them. Nothing would daunt them more or discourage the incentives to effort than that. In our family, every members have equal rights. Beside, children need the freedom to make their own mistakes, and when they misstep or fail, that is when they need comfort and encouragement. When a child asks for bread, you cannot give it a stone.

In turn, they have become wonderful parents. They love their children, they gave them the elements that allow them to grow; they are conscientious and untiring coping with the chores of parenting.

I have the joy of being loved by them. I delight in their love of me, and it is a miracle to me that they have found me worthy of being loved. It comforts me.

thank you for your questions and interest.

Richard

[Nakib Ahmed]

Thanks Richard.

[Anonymous]

"I will never get over the sorrow of not being accepted or admired by my father and mother. but I took away lessons from it. I have three very gifted children and I don't repeat my parent's mistakes."

In my view, the crux of the christian insight on the ways of the World lies in the idea that if you do the right thing, you should expect to have a price exacted on yourself, and so your peace will become a matter of the eternal, while the earned thorns will be felt on the soul through life on earth.

Some say, that when the sacrifice comes prior to the righ thing done, it is because the choice was made by a sublime spirit, before it became incarnated, as a token of its purpose in life being one of bequeathing and multiplying his gift.

[Gatun Lake]

Mr Sale, I have gathered great strength and inspiration from your writing, not only in my work in the theatre and some of culture which these pieces speaks to, but more importantly in my life. Your meditations on morality, truth, the basic nature of the human animal and the rigorous pursuit of what is right, what is kind, are a gift. Thank you.

[Richard Sale]

I apologize for my terrible proof-reading.

[Richard Sale]

The decency and the intelligence of the people on Pat's site are an inspiration. I love hearing of your own suffering and toils.

You are generous and in every way admirable.

Regarding my confessions, two things guide me:

"You will be contented with your lot if you learn what the honorable and good is,” said the Roman historian Tacitus.

He also said, “For real truth, though it disgust never so much, must be told as it is, without alteration>”

I have tried to the utmost to do that.

thank you for your generous praise,

Richard Sale

[Ramojus]

Mr Sale et al,

Your narrative about Hollywood closely parallels the movie "Map to the Stars", which I found to be incredibly disturbing... and I am a cinephile.

Would you, or anyone else agree?

[C Webb]

Hollywood must have a magnetic draw for those with narcissistic personality disorders.

It's tragic; narcissists are unaware of their condition and unaware of the extent of the harm they cause their families.

They don't have fully developed personalities. Booze wouldn't have helped either.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Defence_mechanisms

You're fortunate to have outgrown your parents. Many people are smothered under similar circumstances, often they end up repeating the destructive behaviour of their parents.

[LeaNder]

what struck me, concerning Richard's father was that he was sexually misused by his mother.

Apparently this happened quite a bit. At least without looking for the topic, I am aware of two cases. It started subtle, the boy had to replace the absent father in WWII. One of the husbands did not return, the other returned, apparently noticed what had happened started to drink and then killed himself, not very much later. ...

In my two cases this background resulted in a complex and pretty horrible struggle between later wife and the earlier sexual seducer, the mother. In one case the mother survived the wife, and as she had told me, looked into her grave, to then move into her son's house to take her place. ...

It's odd how much difficulty people have to imagine a woman could misuse her son. They consider the topic crazy.

********

I agree others had smothered under Richard's circumstances. I wish him, his wife and his kids the best.

******

As you see above I agree with your, "It's tragic", sometimes life is. Never mind the glossy surfaces in Dad's case.

I like defense mechanisms better then narcissistic personality, maybe since I sometimes have the impression narcissistic is overused and thereby reduced to meaninglessness. But could Hollywood and its context create more histrionics than the average US city?

How about this? No doubt we all play theater, to some extend.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Histrionic_personality_disorder

[turcopolier]

LeAnder

"In my two cases" Germans? pl

[LeaNder]

Yes, one was my aunt. Actually I found out about it really, really late. I only got glimpses of the struggle between the two women before. ... I really only got curious by accident ... She acted highly crazy when I visited to pick up my youngest cousin, who was still living at home at that time. ...

Very, very much later I met a retired teacher. Interesting woman. I wouldn't have noticed this background hadn't her story reminded me of my aunt. Apparently she was in contact with two researchers looking into the larger topic ... One male, one female.

Strictly, I was well aware that she must have sounded crazy to anybody that had not at least a tangential idea about the topic.

Hmmm? I should call her. I haven't seen her for a long time.