Flash! - Israel declines annexation of the United States. (satire)

 
"Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. 

"Vice President Biden, Speaker Boehner, distinguished senators, members of the House, honored guests, I’m deeply moved by this warm welcome. And I’m deeply honored that you’ve given me the opportunity to address Congress a second time. 

Mr. Vice President, do you remember the time that we were the new kids in town? 

And I do see a lot of old friends here, and I see a lot of new friends of Israel here, as well -- Democrats and Republicans alike. 

Israel has no better friend than America, and America has no better friend than Israel."

-------------------------

The US Department of "Relations with Israel" has formally rejected British, Canadian and Puerto Rican claims of "closest" alliance with the United states.

In an impassioned speech today to the western (trans-Atlantic) branch of the Knesset, Prime Minister Natanyahu warmly accepted the 36 standing ovations of the US Congress, but stated firmly that in spite of Mormon claims of the early settlement of North "America" by the lost tribes of Israel and recent archaeology that the LDS church cites in support of that "fact," Israel could not in conscience accept the offer to merge the United States with Israel under the Israeli Basic Law.  Such a merger, he said would be traumatic for those "Americans" who could not claim Israeli citizenship under the Israeli "Law of the Return."

Senator Harry Reid of the district of Nevada expressed great sorrow at this rejection, saying at a press moment that he hoped that "President" Obama's disrespect, expressed earlier in the week, for the just claims of Israel to all the land between the Mediterranean and the Euprhates River (based on Biblical land grants) had not affected Natanyahu's decision.

The meaningless claims of the 'Palestinian" "South Syrians" to lands only recently and unjustly occupied (1,500 years) by their ancestors were properly dismissed by the Prime Minister with the comment that israel would deal generously with these squatters once they accepted the absolute supremacy of Israel and the status of their future enclave as a de-militarized reservation defended by Israel and under the security supervision of Israel on its "borders."

This was met with thunderous applause by the delegates, many of whom later expressed their hope that Israel would some day accept the inclusion of the US in the Zionist state.  pl

http://www.washingtonpost.com/world/israeli-prime-minister-binyamin-netanyahus-address-to-congress/2011/05/24/AFWY5bAH_story.html

Comments

[Jackie]

Pat,
You're as good as a writer for the Onion and equally as funny.

[Colin]

Yes. But they refuse to give up their settlements in New York and Hollywood.

[Harper]

Besides, as everyone knows, the Palestinians are really from Eastern Europe and the Russian Pale and have no legitimate claims on the land they stole from the Jewish tribes, in a shameless campaign of ethnic cleansing. Greater Israel from the Jordan to the San Andreas Fault!

[LeaNder]

this is simply unbelievable. More and more standing ovations, first 20, then 26, now 36. That must have been after each passage of his speech.

Crazy.

[Ken Halliwell]

I just heard part of N's speech -- the part where he says Israel will not return to the '67 boarders, and our representatives in the U.S. Congress applaud loudly in agreement. (It would be interesting to hear their reaction to viewing gun camera footage of the IDF's attack on USS Liberty. I wonder which side they would applaud?)

Of course, Israel will never return to the '67 boarders -- that's a given. Okay, now that that's clear, what's next?

[LeaNder]

Hilarious, Pat. I was a bit fast. But somehow witnessed rising numbers of standing ovations.

[mo]

Is it any surprise they decline the annexation. They have learned from experience that its better to let the natives police themselves for you and you take what you want from them when ever the urge takes you - And you will demand they thank you for it.

Perhaps someone needs to explain to Bibi that "land for Peace" does not mean Israel grants the Palestinians peace if they give up all the land.

But satire aside, its ok. If he thinks the '67 borders are indefensible, it won't be long I think before he finds that the '48 borders are equally indefensible. The more intractable the Israelis are the more they will lose.

They can no longer "count" on Egypt (and no one in the Arab world is worried about Qatar filling that void - Qatar cannot close Gaza). Any change in Syria will not offset that. Furthermore, their mortal enemies keep getting stronger, their weaponry better.

Tick-tock.

[Walrus]

Appropriate cartoon.

http://www.humorhound.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/11/over-confidence-cat-eagle-demotivational-poster.jpg

[Jackie]

mo: The definition of "land for peace" that you gave is pretty hilarious!

[Fiorangela]

mo, your comment at 6:55 pm -- does that mean the USofA is dependent on Iran to fence in Israel? Good thing we've been nice to Iran all these years.

btw, I'm working on a complete transcript of Bibi's 2 1/2 session before a Dan Burton committee in Sept 2002. People back-test stock market decisions; wouldn't you think the congress -- or at least the congressmen who listened to Netanyahu opine in 2002, would review his recommendations against the outcomes upon implementation?

for example -- "overthrow the regime in Iraq -- that's the key in the terror network -- the shock will be huge; it will reverbetate through the other terror networks ==Iran, Libya will fall."

and, "if we attack Libya, what will happen? I say, Nothing will happen! Qaddafi will run and hide -- he wants to live."

http://www.c-spanvideo.org/program/Conflictw

this is super rich material. Each member of congress should be supplied with a little blue book -- the sayings of Bibi the Magnificent. Count the number of times his recommendations merit the famous Alan Greenspan declaration: "I found a flaw in the theory." http://www.c-spanvideo.org/program/FederalRegula

Oct 23 2008 should be a national day of mourning and financial awareness.

[Fred]

About like you predicted before. The Palestinians can have a 'state' with no army or police forces of its own and an economy completely controlled by Israel. The UN? They will just have to abandon the idea that wars of conquest are what it exists to prevent; since Israel says so and America will abandon the principle it shed so much blood to establish and defend - because Israel says so.

[John Waring]

I am just about convinced that today's spectacle may guarantee the passage of a UN General Assembly resolution recognizing the state of Palestine. Congressional and Israeli intransigence were boldly on display for the entire world to see. Don't be surprised if the world calls us on it. When that vote takes place, I see little chance of the Europeans' duplicating the fawning that occurred today. Events are passing us by. Congress has lost its relevance.

[g. powell]

Now that it's crystal clear that the peace process is absolutely and entirely dead, what happens now?

I guess we jsut continue writing billion dollar checks to our lords and masters.

[RLKirtley]

I know that if I start out laughing,that I will end up crying.

[chimneyswift]

We should really be like Rome and go roust the Jews out of there. Israel has been a foreign policy liability to us for a long time, if not an outright hostile party. As it is, our country has a bunch of religious zealots with race issues against Arabs as well, who have an interest in having Jews in the Holy Land to try to bring about the End Times to boot.

It's a clusterfuck. The best case scenario is a massive non-violent Palestinian uprising, which would only put the Obama administration in a huge bind. The Israelis would almost certainly slaughter non-violent Palestinians and Obama would have to twist himself in a pretzel with regards to so far very clearly stated principles or else turn against the government of Israel (ha!). The worse (and more likely) scenario is a third Intifada and an unholy bloodbath that will probably become episodic throughout the region. In any case, the status quo is already over, and things are going to get worse. The only things we don't yet know is how much worse and in what ways.

And Iran, nervous about their own activists as they may be, doesn't mind at all.

Oh, and Colonel? Very, very funny. Thank you.

[arbogast]

My grandfather used to say that what goes up must come down.

[Fiorangela]

somebody explain to me how what just happened is NOT a Constitutional crisis.

the body to whom articles of impeachment would properly be referred is itself subject to impeachment.

can citizens petition the Supreme Court to conduct an extraordinary hearing into the conduct of the entire body that participated in pledging allegiance to a foreign leader who declared his intent to continue violating international law and the policy demands of the United States?

Archibald Cox, are you out there? Elliot Richardson? William Ruckelshaus?

"Upon being dismissed, Cox stated, "whether ours shall be a government of laws and not of men is now for Congress and ultimately the American people to decide."

[Basilisk]

"israel would deal generously with these squatters once they accepted the absolute supremacy of Israel and the status of their future enclave as a de-militarized reservation defended by Israel and under the security supervision of Israel on its "borders."

Uh huh, I think we actually used this one before. Someone should ask those folks at Sand Creek, and Wounded Knee how that worked out for them.

[Patrick Lang]

basilisk

Which ones? pl

[rjj]

Congress has been offshored.

[Matthew]

Actually, the Department of Moving Goalposts has been in overdrive. The current Zionist meme (replacing the exhausted and dishonest "we have no peace partner") is that America can't ask Israel to go back to 1967 unless we are willing to give back America to the Indians.

Of course, the problem with this silly comment is that America has made Native Americans citizens AND permits them many aspects of sovereignty within the United States. The Zionist meme, therefore, would only be accurate if the Israelis permitted the Palestinians to be both citizens of Israel and sovereign in the Territories.

[Charles I]

Sickening. I'm not American, but as I watched your legislators, I felt shame and revulsion. I felt. . . . embarrassed for you. Then when Pelosi almost stuck her tongue down Bibi's, er, throat, and congratulated him on a speech greatly advancing the cause of peace, I actually choked on my coffee.

I was forced into a unilateral declaration of a borderless, wholly defensible Rastafarian State of Mind secured by salvos of MIRV'ed* Phatty II's ringing the capital of said state until I was sure it was real. . . .

*mine is very relaxing

[Carl O.]

"Israel could not in conscience accept the offer to merge the United States with Israel under the Israeli Basic Law."

Good thing, too, now that Obama has rushed over to London to apologize for that pesky Declaration of Independence, beg forgiveness from the Queen, and offer to bring us back into the Empire.

[Dan Gackle]

Charles:

"when Pelosi ... congratulated him on a speech greatly advancing the cause of peace"

Anyone notice the Freudian slip she made? She congratulated him on a speech greatly advancing the cause of *speech*. Then caught herself and changed it to "peace".

[Medicine Man]

The servility on display in the US Congress is embarrassing. Even if Israel and US interests aligned perfectly, which they don't, this level of brazen manipulation would be aggravating.

Compared to Congress, the President looks like a fighter, which is saying something.